Woke up this morning at 4:30 a.m., with a jet-lag related insomnia causing this asynchronity between my internal neuro-biological pace-maker and the local time. I had a dream that initially appeared strange to me, because what I saw there did not seem to make sense at all. More than a year after we stopped exchanging e-mails, you suddenly came to meet me. You were not alone, but accompanied by your family and Shavagh and some close friends. When I entered the room, you started to shout at me, accusing me of being just another ignorant coward, and that you now see clearly that all my promises were just standard lies from a “How to successfully carress a girl and get away with it ” textbook. For the first time I saw you driven by natural human emotions, a type of pain that broke out of your mind in an eruption of uncontroled anger. After one year that you apparently had accepted my silence, you now decided that the time had come for a fierce attack.
At this moment, when you lost all your social self-censoreship it suddenly became obvious that under the surface of your pride and not masked by your pursue for respect and self-control, there is still a hidden sensitivity for this classical feeling of pain after a personal Loss, like the phantom pain after a limb amputation.
If this expression of anger would have been only driven by an assault of your female pride, it would have ultimately distract me for a long time. But understanding that against all predictions you were occasionally waiting for some written words from me, and that you considered this sudden stop of our 3 year lasting conversation a violation of a given promise, this could change the image I have of you. I say “could”, since clearly it was just a dream. But dreams are perhaps manifestations of a hidden truth, like alternative realities that happen in a parallel universe.
Despite my dedication to reason and logic, I have to admit that this dream has changed my view on you. Although you might manage your entire life to hide this other side of your personality from the world, I will always believe that it exists. Somewhere, hidden behind a smooth and controlled facade.
There is no doubt that this dream not only revealed some previously unknown features of your complex personality, but most likely it tells even more of how I always wanted you to be: less concerned about the image that people have of you, more confident of your very own values and desires, and not afraid to use your own voice.
Not sure if it was only the 8 hours jet-lag after the flight from Japan back to Munich that triggered this dream, or the movie I was watching on board: “Ghost World” with Steve Buscemi and Thora Birch.
